I’ve been going through kind of a hard time the last week or so. I’m sure if you know me well enough or follow me on my blog or Facebook or Twitter, you can probably guess at least some of it. (For a hint, all you really have to do is read my last blog post before this one.) Basically, I keep failing at the same thing. It’s just a continuous struggle. There are other things related to that, and related to my feelings of just generally not being good enough. Good enough for what, I’m not even sure. Ultimately, I know that I don’t really have to please anyone. And that is what I struggle with. I know that it honestly really shouldn’t matter to me what other people or “society” thinks. Or what I believe society thinks. Ultimately, all that should matter is me being happy with my own life. And, honestly, I am. Are there things I would like to improve? Sure. I would like to weigh less. I would like to be in less debt. But if I died today, would those things really matter? Not really, no. What really matters are the people I love and those that love me.
Life is hard to figure out. I’m sure everyone goes through this. What really matters is what you want to get out of it. Obviously, it’s limited. You’ll probably get 80-100 years alive if you’re lucky. If you believe in life after death, maybe you want to use the short life you get for that. I’m not sure I believe in that, so I’d kind of rather make the most out of the life I know I have. And what I think is important and what I want out of life may not be the same as what other people want or think is important. That’s why they got their life and I got mine. Sometimes, I’m not sure what’s important. I mean, I love life. And I love the people in my life. I can only hope they feel the same way about me, but if they don’t, I can’t control that. I can only control my own life. But honestly, what is the point in worrying so much about the things I don’t have that I struggle with? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s bad to try to improve those things. But I don’t want to be consumed by them, and I fear that I might get that way, if I’m not already. And honestly, I’m really just sick and tired of caring so much about things that won’t matter at the end of my life anyway. I could go through my whole life and be fat and it likely wouldn’t be that much different than a skinny person’s life. I could live just as long. Or either of us could die in a car wreck tomorrow. And yeah, it would be nice to not have debt. And of course I will continue to work to get out of it. But if I die tomorrow, it’s not going to matter anyway. I’m not trying to be morbid, I’m just trying to figure out what is really the most important. And if I die tomorrow, what is going to matter more is the people I saw today rather than the amount I weighed or the amount of debt I had.
I guess I’m just sick of all of it. I’m sick of trying so hard and then feeling bad when I don’t do as well as I hoped, as well as I feel other people do. If my life only amounts to the number on my scale or the number in my bank account, then life is pretty sad. I’d rather have more experiences and more love in my life than more dollars or less pounds. And honestly, what’s most important to me is living my life honestly. Being real with people. That is what is important to me. Looking back on my life and knowing that I did the best I could. Knowing that there were people that loved me, and that I did my best to love the people in my life. And knowing that no matter what I did, that I tried to be honest and real. That the person people saw in me was the real me. So with that in mind, here are this week’s theme songs for me.
Life is a series of experiences. Some of mine include walking along the Great Wall of China, drinking craft beer in Belgium, playing poker in Vegas, reading novels at home, or just relaxing with my husband and lovable dog. This website is your invitation to join me as I take on the planet one experience at a time and blog about it for your enjoyment!
I feel a lot of the same things you’re describing here a lot of the time, so know that you’re not alone. I’ve been seeing a counselor for the last year and a half and it’s been tremendously helpful. Sometimes it is good just to have someone to talk to and share your story with. It’s also nice to have a second pair of eyes to sort of help with the self-psychoanalysis and bring down some of that inner-critic that can become so overwhelming.
Also, I would really recommend checking out the writings of Brene Brown. She’s a researcher and writer who studies shame and how it affects so many individuals in our culture. I just read “The Gifts of Imperfection” and am reading “Daring Greatly.” It’s been a really powerful resource for me in getting past destructive, self-defeating thoughts.
Check her out: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html