I feel like I’m a very honest blogger. When I blog, it’s usually about what is on my mind at the time. And I don’t usually have any qualms about sharing what I’m feeling. So that’s what this post is going to be about.
I had a good weekend. I also had a bad weekend. Friday I went to a beer event, which I hope to write a post event soon. Saturday I spent with running errands and hanging out with friends, and Sunday and Monday (I was off work on Veterans Day) I mostly spent at home. The time with friends was fun, and overall my weekend was fun, but on Monday I woke up to the harsh reality that I had failed once again. Last Monday, I had started the AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge for the second time. And this weekend, I basically bombed it for the second time. Friday I started out ok, but I drank too much beer and ate the wrong food. The weekend pretty much spiraled downhill from there. Every day I woke up wanting to stick to the plan, and each day I didn’t. “Bad” food (yes, I know I probably shouldn’t look at it that way, but that’s essentially what it is) sounded too good to resist, so I didn’t. And Monday I weighed myself and got really mad at myself. I haven’t really been able to shake it since then. I’m still very mad, frustrated, and disappointed at myself. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to eat healthy and exercise and then I completely fail at it. And yes, I’ve blogged about this before. It’s a continuous struggle. And I’m tired of continuing to fail at it every. single. time.
I’m really ready to give up. I wish I could somehow see it as not so bad, that what I weigh is not who I am, or that I’m still pretty even though I’m fat. But I don’t feel that way at all. I just want to look “normal”. I want to look like 90% of the other people I see. But I’m afraid I never will. It’s a cycle that so far I haven’t been successful in breaking… eat healthy for a few days, then not be able to resist and end up erasing all of my progress over those few days. It’s always one step forward, two steps back. So I end up farther and farther back. I just can’t take it anymore. I feel so hopeless.
I’m not asking for advice. I’m not sure there is any that I haven’t already heard. I don’t want to be “fixed”. I’m not sure what I want at this point. I guess it’s just to feel normal and be proud of myself instead of continuing to feel like a failure.
I try to end most of my blog entries on a positive note, or with some kind of turnaround if they’re negative. But this time, I don’t have one. I’m still there. I still kind of hate myself right now. I’m not sure how to get out of that or how to feel differently.
I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I can relate to the “one step forward, two steps back” and feeling hopeless about changing oneself. It’s awful.
Know that you are loved. <3
I think you look normal already so I don’t know who these people are that you are seeing. 8 ) Actually I take that back, normal in shape but you’re above average looks overall. I’ve seen people who are overweight and I don’t think of you that way. You’re not skinny but I don’t think of you as fat either. In any case…
I think it will be difficult to try and lose weight if you’re doing it to try and change how you think other people perceive you. I think it will be difficult because I don’t think it will work even if you do lose weight. And when it gets difficult, we go back to what comforts us, whether it’s food or whatever else we like. And then we feel worse about our self, which goes back to the original problem. As I think I’ve said before, I’ve known women who are quite thin but who still think they’re fat. Which make me think that’s more a state of mind than of body. I hope that you can feel loved and worthwhile as you are, whether you are losing weight or not. You are a cool person and people like you. Then if you decide to lose weight just because you want to, great! But your worth isn’t conditional upon it (I may be wrong but it’s my two cents.)
oh girl, I feel you. I have a hard and fast goal date to look “normal” (tight white dress and thousands of pictures, wut.), and we live within walking distance of this place. Which ALSO has free popcorn….totally my favorite foot. :/