I Failed Again

I feel like I’m a very honest blogger.  When I blog, it’s usually about what is on my mind at the time.  And I don’t usually have any qualms about sharing what I’m feeling.  So that’s what this post is going to be about.

I had a good weekend.  I also had a bad weekend.  Friday I went to a beer event, which I hope to write a post event soon.  Saturday I spent with running errands and hanging out with friends, and Sunday and Monday (I was off work on Veterans Day) I mostly spent at home.  The time with friends was fun, and overall my weekend was fun, but on Monday I woke up to the harsh reality that I had failed once again.  Last Monday, I had started the AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge for the second time.  And this weekend, I basically bombed it for the second time.  Friday I started out ok, but I drank too much beer and ate the wrong food.  The weekend pretty much spiraled downhill from there.  Every day I woke up wanting to stick to the plan, and each day I didn’t.  “Bad” food (yes, I know I probably shouldn’t look at it that way, but that’s essentially what it is) sounded too good to resist, so I didn’t.  And Monday I weighed myself and got really mad at myself.  I haven’t really been able to shake it since then.  I’m still very mad, frustrated, and disappointed at myself.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to eat healthy and exercise and then I completely fail at it.  And yes, I’ve blogged about this before.  It’s a continuous struggle.  And I’m tired of continuing to fail at it every. single. time.

I’m really ready to give up.  I wish I could somehow see it as not so bad, that what I weigh is not who I am, or that I’m still pretty even though I’m fat.  But I don’t feel that way at all.  I just want to look “normal”.  I want to look like 90% of the other people I see.  But I’m afraid I never will.  It’s a cycle that so far I haven’t been successful in breaking… eat healthy for a few days, then not be able to resist and end up erasing all of my progress over those few days.  It’s always one step forward, two steps back.  So I end up farther and farther back.  I just can’t take it anymore.  I feel so hopeless.

I’m not asking for advice.  I’m not sure there is any that I haven’t already heard.  I don’t want to be “fixed”.  I’m not sure what I want at this point.  I guess it’s just to feel normal and be proud of myself instead of continuing to feel like a failure.

I try to end most of my blog entries on a positive note, or with some kind of turnaround if they’re negative.  But this time, I don’t have one.  I’m still there.  I still kind of hate myself right now.  I’m not sure how to get out of that or how to feel differently.