I feel like I’m a very honest blogger. When I blog, it’s usually about what is on my mind at the time. And I don’t usually have any qualms about sharing what I’m feeling. So that’s what this post is going to be about.
I had a good weekend. I also had a bad weekend. Friday I went to a beer event, which I hope to write a post event soon. Saturday I spent with running errands and hanging out with friends, and Sunday and Monday (I was off work on Veterans Day) I mostly spent at home. The time with friends was fun, and overall my weekend was fun, but on Monday I woke up to the harsh reality that I had failed once again. Last Monday, I had started the AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge for the second time. And this weekend, I basically bombed it for the second time. Friday I started out ok, but I drank too much beer and ate the wrong food. The weekend pretty much spiraled downhill from there. Every day I woke up wanting to stick to the plan, and each day I didn’t. “Bad” food (yes, I know I probably shouldn’t look at it that way, but that’s essentially what it is) sounded too good to resist, so I didn’t. And Monday I weighed myself and got really mad at myself. I haven’t really been able to shake it since then. I’m still very mad, frustrated, and disappointed at myself. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to eat healthy and exercise and then I completely fail at it. And yes, I’ve blogged about this before. It’s a continuous struggle. And I’m tired of continuing to fail at it every. single. time.
I’m really ready to give up. I wish I could somehow see it as not so bad, that what I weigh is not who I am, or that I’m still pretty even though I’m fat. But I don’t feel that way at all. I just want to look “normal”. I want to look like 90% of the other people I see. But I’m afraid I never will. It’s a cycle that so far I haven’t been successful in breaking… eat healthy for a few days, then not be able to resist and end up erasing all of my progress over those few days. It’s always one step forward, two steps back. So I end up farther and farther back. I just can’t take it anymore. I feel so hopeless.
I’m not asking for advice. I’m not sure there is any that I haven’t already heard. I don’t want to be “fixed”. I’m not sure what I want at this point. I guess it’s just to feel normal and be proud of myself instead of continuing to feel like a failure.
I try to end most of my blog entries on a positive note, or with some kind of turnaround if they’re negative. But this time, I don’t have one. I’m still there. I still kind of hate myself right now. I’m not sure how to get out of that or how to feel differently.